Cartman and Ken: Return to South Park
by grizim888
Summary: Eric Cartman and Keneth McCormick, two 24yearold dirtballs, decide to return to their childhood town in search of someone who stole their money.


Cartman wrestled his bag of acid as he gobbled it down like how Hilary Clinton gobbles down babies. He was standing outside of the salsa factory where he was supposed to be working. He took a rough swipe at his lower lip to clear the chocolate he was eating, and turned to the door to see Ken standing there, annoyed.

"What the fuck are you doing, man?" Ken barked as he snatched the acid bag from Cartman's large hands. "You're supposed to be working. You're gonna get us fired, you fat son of a bitch."

"Fuck you, you redneck!" Cartman shouted back.

"Sorry, I meant mammoth son of a hermaph."

Cartman charged at Ken's right shoulder but got shoved away, and then took a swing a Ken's eye. "YOU FUCKING FATASS!" Ken roared as he kicked Cartman in the stomach. Cartman fell to his knees, wailing, but soon got up to deliver more blows to Ken's face. Ken dipped the last strike and then grappled Cartman around the throat and brought him to the stone surface. "Get ready to die!" Ken screamed as he pulled out his shotgun. "I'm gonna finish you just like how I finished my wife!"

"Ken if you don't kill me, I'll tell you where they give free speed samples" Cartman said silently.

Ken's eyes lit up. "Tell me."

"You can burrow my truck to ride to Vegas where there's a store called 'Chopper Dope', where they give out weed, speed, and all of those goodies for free. Also with the alcoholic beverages, they have a buy-one-shot-get-one-shot-free special."

Ken lowered his shotgun and placed it back in his backpack. "Oh my god."

Cartman slowly got up. "So you want the keys to my truck?" he asked with a grin.

Ken nodded.

"Well fuck you, bitch. I lied." Cartman pointed his fat finger at Ken and laughed.

"You damn asshole!" Ken cried as he put his hand back in his backpack, obviously ready to take out his gun.

"Cartman and Ken!" an old man yelped through the door. "Get your asses back in here before I touch you guys again!"

"Sorry, boss," Ken said in fake shame.

"Yeah, sorry." Cartman repeated.

The two workers walked back into the factory with their heads hung. The door shut and the sidewalk was silent again. Nothing but the cool Chicago breeze, then again no one gives a shit about the cool Chicago breeze, I was just trying to be poetic.

Cartman and Ken were losers. They were friends since childhood in an enemy-ish kind of way, but out of all the South Park elementary kids, Cartman had the closest bond with Ken. They were both the dirtiest mother fucking kids in South Park. But after graduating elementary, they were kicked out of the South Park Middle School because they were caught with eight pounds and eleven ounces of pot, coke and weed. Soon they were sent to the alternative high school in Denver. That was when the two boys' lives began to fall apart. Cartman's mom was murdered by a trick and Ken's dad was hospitalized, and soon Ken was kicked out of the house. Both Cartman and Ken were sent to a home after that. Ken then got involved in biker gang shootings, and was responsible for the deaths of eight of his fellow students. He also stabbed both his homeowners, which got the police after him. Cartman did 389 candy store robberies, which placed him under arrest for eight months. Both boys were easily the most hated people in South Park. This is why they decided to board the homeowner's truck and drive away with ten tons of alcohol, drugs, and other good shit in the caboose. This is why they promised themselves they would never return to South Park again. This is why they finally worked together just to get out of this shit hole called a town. And off they went in the truck, from Colorodo to Kansas to Missouri to Iowa….and then the truck broke down in Illinois where Cartman and Ken somehow got a job making salsa. For ten years they worked at the factory, and Ken somehow kept his job even when he was arrested for abusing his wife and dog (and got away fully when he secretly killed them, too). Cartman got the easy side of the boss even when he robbed 12 banks in one night and shot up two five-star restaurants. Both Cartman and Ken soon had quite an amount of money but Cartman spent all his on a piece-of-shit truck, and Ken spent his on a rusty, battered motorcycle. The two were paid minimum wage though at the salsa factory. They got most of their money from robberies. But they really became used to such shitty lives, and soon crimes, drugs, and violence was an everyday thing.

Ken woke up one morning at the wrecked farm that he and Cartman lived in. He slowly rose from the couch and peered out the window. He then looked over to his wallet to see how much money he had today. No money. He snuck into Cartman's wallet. No money. In a sudden panic, Ken rushed over to the door, which was completely destroyed. Written on a piece of wood on the ground in red spray paint was "FUCK YOU CUNTS, I NOW HAVE YOUR MONEY AND YOU CAN'T FIND ME."

Oh god not another pissed off customer who hated the salsa from the food market again, Ken thought. Ken walked outside and saw that his motorcycle was gone. Cartman's truck was still there though, but then again Cartman can afford locks. "NOOOOOOOO!" Ken screamed as he rushed back into the house. "CARTMAN! WAKE UP!" Cartman's eyes opened and then he farted, and then got up. "CARTMAN OUR MONEY AND MY MOTORCYCLE WAS STOLEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO!"

"Maybe tomorrow," Cartman mumbled. He was obviously still half asleep.

"Somebody stole our money and my motorcycle. WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU FAT FUCK!"

"Alright man, chill. We need to get to the factory."

"Good time to worry about work you damn asshole."

"Let's go to work and then figure out what the hell happened."

"It wasn't just my money that was stolen. Your's was, too."

"WHAT! LET'S FIND THOSE FUCKERS!"

"LET'S KICK THEIR ASSES!"

"LET'S HANG THEM BY THE THROATS!"

"LET'S BURN THEM!"

"LET'S MOLEST THEIR CHILDREN!"

"LET'S SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO FIND THEM FOR GODSAKES!"

Cartman and Ken stormed out the door and they both boarded Cartman's truck. "Ken you have to pay me one hundred dollars in order to ride with me in my truck."

"Listen I'll give you all the money I get as long as you let me ride with you until we find the robbers."

"You better have at least five hundred dollars by then."

"I will."

"With that being said…LET'S RIDE!"

The truck went riding over the speed limit. They went through six avenues and then finally at an intersection they spotted their friend, Skippy, who was standing on the street corner bathing himself in car oil.

"Skippy, what's up?" Ken asked as he and Cartman got out of the truck.

"I want about canine," Skippy replied as he took a drag at his water pipe.

"Have you seen Ken's motorcycle?" Cartman asked.

"Nah, pants don't go," Skippy said quietly as he shrugged his shoulders, "Slugs fuck library cards too damn straight,"

"You DID see Ken's motorcycle?" Cartman asked.

"Me pants thinks so, we saw slug driving at Weldor Avenue near the canine."

"Thanks, Skippy," Ken said, "We can always count on you. Weldor Avenue, I'll remember that. Cartman, let's go." Cartman and Ken got back into the truck and drove off to Weldor Avenue, where they got out of the car again.

Ken put his hand at his forehead to see through the sunshine, looking for his motorcycle. "I can't see shit."

Cartman pulled down his pants and spread his butt cheeks, and took a shit on Ken's shoe. "Now you can."

"Fuck you bitch!" Ken hollered as he kicked his shitty foot right into Cartman's nuts. "What do you have to say now, punk!"

"Ken…" Cartman muttered in pain.

"Yeah, you think you're so tough!"

"KEN…"

Ken looked at Cartman like he was out of his mind.

"KEN…look behind you…LOOK…"

Ken turned around to see his motorcycle being driven by some dude in a mask. Ken and Cartman charged the guy. Ken got real close and then jumped onto the motorcycle's side, striking the man in the face. He attempted to rip the guy's mask off, but by then the guy jumped onto another truck and jacked it. Ken glimpsed the dude's back and it said "South Park, Colorodo" on it. Ken was stunned, but kept on racing. He quickly turned his motorcycle on and sped up to the truck, trying to ride to a spot where he could easily jump into it. The truck veered into another avenue and then went through the bridge, where at full speed it went over the mountains and far from distance. Ken's motorcycle was busted in half so he immediately got off of it. "Shit we lost him."

"That guy's from…our old town," Cartman said in shock.

"I know, man. It's fucking strange. It's probably Butters trying to be tough like how he used to back in elementary school."

"Nah, Butters is too much of a pussy. It's definitely Kyle. You know what they say about how Jews deal with lower-class people like us."

"I'll bet you ten pints of coke it's Butters."

"You're on, bitch."

"But first we need to get this guy. But I'm not going back to South Park."

"Me neither. Why would we? Why would we go back to all the people who betrayed us?"

"...Well, maybe for our money, but…"

"Yeah, besides that, why else?"

"Yeah, like…maybe also for revenge…and the money…but why else?"

Cartman glared at Ken.

"That does it. We're going back to South Park!" Ken exclaimed.

"But ONLY for our money. Then we get the hell out of there. If I see Stan or Kyle once I swear I'll puke."

"That would be good for you, puking causes good weight loss you know."

"You would know, you anorexic whore."

The two boarded Cartman's truck. "Wait," Ken said, "what about work?"

"Fuck work. The money we'd make would probably be stolen by that dude again anyway. If we don't clear up the mystery, we'll never have any money ever again. We can come back here and say it was a family emergency, and then get our jobs back."

"Yeah, if only we were both in the same family, fucktard."

"You short-term-memory piece of shit. Remember when we told the boss we were distant cousins so we both had to take off because 'your dad was having a baby'?"

"Yeah but he said he didn't believe us but still let us go. He knows we aren't related."

"Fuck him. Let's just go. We'll figure out something later."

And once again in ten years, the two were on the road. They went through Indianapolis, Springfield, Evansville, Memphis, and finally ran out of gas in the middle of Oklahoma City.

"Ken give me your food stamps for the gas station," Cartman requested.

"Fatass for the last time, I HAVE NO FOOD STAMPS! And besides, we can't actually get the gas station to do service in the middle of the road."

"Yeah okay. Give me all the drugs you got, then."

"Why?"

"We'll drug deal here and then buy another cheap-ass car or something."

"It would take like two years."

"Ken give me your dope. I know what I'm doing."

Ken rolled his eyes and gave Cartman some rock, some weed, and some pot.

"Come on bitch you have better shit than that," Cartman said angrily.

"Just try to sell this to see if it works. I'm not unloading the whole truck for no reason."

"You poor people always win in arguments," Cartman murmured as he got out of the truck.

"You're poor, too," Ken replied, grinning.

Cartman simply flipped Ken the bird and then walked over to the workers at the gas station. "Wanna try some dope?" he offered, holding out the bags of drugs. "We got Mary Jane, rock, grass…"

"Cartman what the fuck are you doing!" Ken hollered from behind. "You're supposed to sell it to hobos."

"Nah man, we'll buy all the shit you got," one of the workers said.

Cartman and Ken looked at each other, smiling. Ken then looked worried again. "Wait this isn't a bust, is it?"

"Nah, man, give us all your dope," the worker replied.

Ken got out the loads of drugs in Cartman's truck and handed all the packs over to the workers.

"How much?" the worker asked.

"One dollar per pound," Ken answered.

"Wait I have a scale," the other worker said as he rushed inside the department.

"So what do you two plan to spend all your money on?" the worker (who was still there) asked.

"We wanna buy another car so we can get the fuck out of this place and continue our trip to Colorado," Cartman replied.

"Why the fuck are you going to Colorodo?"

"Some bastard from there stole our money so we're going there to track him down."

"Aw, cool."

"I have the scale," the other worker said as he carried a large scale out the doors. He placed all the drugs on the scale. "Hmmm, fifty pounds, two ounces."

Ken suspiciously checked the scale to see if it really said that. The worker was telling the truth. "Fine," Ken said, "then give us $50.16, counting the two ounces."

The workers each took out $25.08 and gave it to Cartman and Ken.

"Thanks guys for the drugs," the worker said happily.

"Shove it up your ass," said Cartman.

Cartman and Ken walked on, looking pissed. "Ken how the fuck are we gonna find a car seller, and how is this enough?"

"All we need is a cheap-ass car."

"Cheap-ass cars are usually at least like five hundred dollars."

"Listen, we'll find a car we have enough money for."

The two wandered until they finally came across an ad where a family was selling a car for just $50.00.

"See Cartman I told you," Ken said.

They went to the street address and asked to see the car. It truly was a piece-of-shit car. If you were to pick a car out of the toilet, this car would be the one coming out first. The paint was coming off of it and it was very moldy. But Cartman and Ken didn't give a shit.

"Here's fifty dollars," Ken said as he offered all the money.

"We need tax, too," the woman replied.

"How much tax?"

"Two hundred dollars."

"What the fuck!" Cartman screeched to the top of his lungs.

"Fuck tax," Ken said as he panicked, "Take the fifty dollars and let us take the car."

"I would just give you guys my Lexus for free if you secretly gave me five pounds of marijuana," the woman said, pointing at her shiny black Lexus in her parking lot.

Cartman and Ken were puzzled. "Can you keep your Lexus on hold?" Ken asked.

"For two hours, but that'll be it."

Cartman and Ken slowly backed away, and then dashed back over to the gas station.

The workers immediately noticed them. "What the hell do you two want now?" one of the workers asked.

"We need only five pounds of pot back from you," Cartman said.

"Fuck you, we smoked it all already. And popped it all."

"And shot it all," the other worker added.

Ken's face was a vivid illustration of rage. So was Cartman's pink face. Both of them slowly took their shotguns out, and then the shooting began. The workers died, the other gas customers died, the people across the street died, and so did some people in cars.

"Fuck this place, let's just jack the largest truck we see," said Ken. Cartman nodded. A large pick-up truck was coming their way so they both jumped onto each side. Ken pulled the car door open and threw the driver out, and then they both got in. Ken swerved the car another direction, as Cartman aimed his gun out the window, shooting everyone.

"FUCK YOU ALL!" Cartman roared with his head outside.

"Cartman if you kill any hot bitches tell me to stop the car and bring the body in here so we can fuck it."

"They're all fat ladies here."

"Well I'm just saying if you shoot a hot chick bring her body in. I have too much sperm in me right now, it must be released."

"This must have been the twelfth time you talked about how your sperm must be released. Shut the fuck up already."

The truck went driving through most of Kansas. Cartman and Ken were tired as hell. They had no more drugs at all, and Cartman's old truck was way better than this one. Cartman could hardly fit in this one. Cartman kept whining about how hungry he was. "We have no money man, we'll get our money back in South Park and then get something to eat," Ken would always reply.

"Ken stop the truck," Cartman suddenly whispered.

"What the hell is wrong with you, fatass?"

"I said stop the truck."

Ken put his foot on the brakes. "What's the problem? If you have to shit then do it in the backseat."

"Ken, look out the window of my side."

Ken peeked out the window, and was immediately stuck in dreamland. Walking on the sidewalk was the hottest blonde chick in the world. Her hair fluttered in the wind, going down all the way to her perfect ass. Her tits were round like baby faces. Her shiny fur coat went all the way to her leather boots. Her silver pants were tight as hell.

"Should we kill her, and then fuck her?" Cartman asked, "Or just fuck her?"

Ken was already out of the car and walking up to her.

"Hey bitch," he said as he approached her, "where are you heading?"

"I'm going to dinner," she replied.

"Can I come with you?" he asked in a demanding way.

"Sure."

Cartman, jealous, tried to get out of the truck to come with them too. The doors were locked and Ken had the keys. The window was too small for him to get out. "KEN!" Cartman shouted, "LET ME OUT!"

Ken looked at Cartman as if he didn't even know him, and then walked to the restaurant with the blonde.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! WHEN WE GET TO SOUTH PARK I'LL HAVE ALL THE HOS, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!" Cartman screeched from the car.

Ken walked into what looked like a restaurant but it was really a gang hangout. And this gang wasn't even a biker gang. It was a black gang. Turntables were going off, MCs were blasting the crowd on the microphones, and people were rubbing their bodies against each other to the beat of the music. Ken looked at the blonde chick and realized she was actually black, just with blonde hair. All the gangsters were looking at him like how a cat looks at mice. Ken immediately put his hood on to cover his face. He couldn't take a gang this big.

"You looked black in the dark," the blonde lady said, "I didn't know you were a cracka."

Ken didn't know what to do. Should he run? Should he call out Cartman for help? No. He flipped. He quickly took his shotgun out and shot the blonde in the head, and then shot whomever he could shoot in the crowd. People began shooting back at him, but he ran under one of the tables and through a trapdoor, hoping to get out of the place. The vent in the door lead to the parking lot where more gangsters were trying to shoot at him. Ken ran through the side of the building and then headed back to the truck. He quickly jumped in.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Cartman hollered.

"There's no time for that! A black gang is after us!"

Cartman looked out the window to see a gang of black people shooting. "Holy shit!" he yelled. Ken started the truck and it went full blast through the trees.

"Turn, even though we're being chased we still have to follow the directions to South Park that my map gives us!" Cartman shouted.

Ken swerved the other way and at full speed went down the street, crashing into all the cars the black people began to get into. Cartman got out his shotgun and began shooting all the black people he could see. He then began shooting at the cars.

The blacks were sticking their guns out heh heh sticking their guns out and started shooting, too. One black guy then took out a grenade. "Kiss my ass you cracka motha fucka!" shouted the black guy.

"KEN HE HAS A GRENADE! TURN!" Cartman shrieked.

Ken made a sharp turn and rode through the trees again. Cartman and Ken could hear the bomb go off from far away but it didn't hurt them at all. More explosions were sounding and it was clear that everyone over there was dead. But the explosions weren't. The explosions were following them, and once the closest denotation blasted, Ken went back to full speed and swerved again, and then they were far away from all the destruction.

"Are they gone?" Ken asked, panting.

"Yeah, I think so," Cartman answered, panting even harder.

"Holy shit that was close. Now let's get something to eat."

"What? I thought you said we have no money."

"Well we still have the money we made from drug dealing."

"Well why didn't you mention that before when I was hungry?" Cartman asked angrily.

"To get you to shut the fuck up. Let's eat at this restaurant." Ken stopped at a fancy seafood place.

"I hate seafood. It makes me shit vomit," Cartman complained.

"Hate it or not, this is where we're eating," Ken said sharply.

"No, fuck you. I'm driving somewhere else." Cartman snatched the steering wheel but to no avail, because the car was already off.

"You don't have the car keys!" Ken chuckled.

"Give me the car keys Ken," Cartman snapped.

"Screw you, I'm going in there to get some chowder. Are you coming or not?"

"Give me the car keys."

Ken got out of the car and slammed it shut.

"You little asshole!" Cartman yelled. He got out of his seat and attempted to go through the window, but when he was halfway out he couldn't crawl out any further. His body was stuck in the window. "AW, GODDAMNIT!"

Ken walked into the restaurant but Cartman stayed sticking out of the car window. A Chinese guy came and asked him what he was doing.

"My asshole friend left me here!" Cartman bellowed angrily.

The Chinese guy nodded and knelt down, taking off his right shoe, and then held the shoe in Cartman's face. "You want shoe?"

"Hell no I don't want your shoe, I just want to get out of here and then get something to eat."

"Eat shoe."

"Nah man, fuck you."

The Chinese guy looked rather bewildered. "Fuck you?"

"What the hell?"

"Can I fuck you?"

"Go screw yourself you stupid chink. Either help me or go away."

"What do you desire?"

"I desire you to get me the hell out of this car."

The Chinese guy seemed to finally understand Cartman. He walked away for a second, and then came back with a sludge hammer. Cartman stared at the hammer in fear.

"…Uh…what the hell are you gonna do with that sludge hammer?"

The Chinese guy began battering the car into tons of cracks until there was a large hole surrounding the window. Cartman easily crawled out.

"Thank you," said Cartman, "for ruining our fucking truck! How the hell am I supposed to get to South Park now!"

"South Park?" the Chinese man asked in confusion.

"Where me and my friend are headed to. Some guy from there stole our money and we want it back. But since you ruined our damn truck, we're stuck here now."

"Come. We will bring you to South Park," the Chinese man said as he walked over to a large silver building adjacent to the restaurant. Ken then came out of the restaurant.

"Cartman why is it that whenever I come out of a restaurant, I see you talking to a Chinese guy?" Ken asked.

"This guy says he can bring us to South Park," said Cartman.

"Why not just use the truck?"

"The Chinese guy…kind of…_broke _the truck to get me out."

Ken gave a pissed off expression.

"But our transportation is faster," said the Chinese guy. "Follow me." Cartman and Ken followed him into the silver building.

When the two stoners entered the place, their eyes glowed off of what they were seeing. Shiny walls, a bronze ceiling, a sapphire floor…and astronauts.

"Woah, man," Ken said as he gazed around the building, "Is this a space station?"

"Yes it is," answered the Chinese guy.

"But we're not going to space," Cartman snapped angrily, "We're going back to South Park."

"Of course you aren't going to space," laughed the Chinese man. "We only use the space rocket for the professional astronauts. We're going to offer you a free ride in our ground vehicles, all the way to South Park's state. What state is South Park in?"

"Colorodo," responded Ken.

"What we are going to do is bring you two below the Earth where there is a tunnel all the way to a secret station in Denver. We will then offer you our cars so that you can ride the rest of the way to South Park."

"Shit, and all of this for free!" Ken exclaimed. "Since when have astronauts been so nice?"

Cartman and Ken entered the large yellow vehicle, in big gray suits. The vehicle was an open space inside where they just floated around. Other astronauts were floating around, too.

"Why the fuck are we floating when we're not even in space?" Ken whispered to Cartman.

Cartman and Ken realized they had no control of where they would float, and ended up soaring over to two of the other astronauts. The four mens' bodies began rubbing against each other, and their legs were lifting and wrapping around each other. The other astronauts seemed to enjoy it.

"What the hell, man?" Ken said in bewilderment.

Soon the vehicle went zooming very fast. Cartman and Ken felt themselves falling, and turning, and falling, and turning. "WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Cartman screeched.

The two other astronauts started laughing, and took their pants off.

"DUDE!" Ken shouted in fear. "These astronauts are queer, man!"

Cartman and Ken tried to get to one of the doors so they could escape, but they couldn't.

"We offered you a free ride!" one of the astronauts yelled. "This is your payment on the way!"

"N-no way man, m-my mom always told me that a-astronauts give you AIDS," Cartman stammered.

"We need to get the fuck out of here," said Ken.

"M-maybe we could stay here until w-we get to Colorodo. I-I can wait."

"Of course you can wait, because you're gay. I'm not though so I can't wait," Ken uttered.

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME GAY YOU FUi/iCKING HIPPY PRICK!" screamed Cartman. Cartman attempted to lift his leg and kick Ken in the nuts with it, but instead Cartman kicked a green button on the wall. FULL SPEED was written on the button.

The vehicle stopped and began to back up a bit, and then, faster than a roller coaster, shot it's way through the ground. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" shreiked all four of the men as they bulleted their way through the tunnel.

After about an hour, the ride finally crashed, and by then the four men were throwing up everywhere. Except for Cartman of course who was shitting himself instead. The floating stopped, and immediately Cartman and Ken rushed for the doors, and then went for the main doors of the whole space station. The main doors were locked.

"Oh no you don't," said the Chinese guy.

"You broke vehicle. Thanks to you, our grand project is ruined. You will have to pay 11,875 dorra."

"FUi/iCK YOU BITCH!" Ken shouted as he pulled out his shotgun. Cartman pulled out his, too. They both shot up the whole station and then shot the main doors until they broke, and then darted out. That was when they ran into a whole force of cops, and were immediately spun around and placed into cuffs. Their shotguns were taken away and they were rushed to the nearest jail, which was like 50 miles away.

And there went their dreams. Behind bars, the two could reach nothing. They were both in the same cell and they always had to deal with some 60-year-old cop who would sit right in front of them and read the newspaper upside-down. He would then look at them and yell at them about something, and then go back to reading upside-down.

But there was something that got the two very excited. Ken glimpsed the cop's nametag from time to time but couldn't see what the name actually was. He planned to use the cop's name to his advantage to come up with a prank helping him and Cartman get out of jail. Unfortunately the nametag was so far away that he couldn't even make out the first letter. But when the cop got real close to the cell once to scream at Cartman for snoring too loud, Ken read the nametag perfectly. And so the name was revealed. The cop ended up being Officer Barbrady.

"Officer Barbrady!" Ken exclaimed. "Do you remember us! We were the kids who helped you learn how to read and all that shit! Do you remember! What town are we in right now!"

"Uh….South Park, you retard," answered the cop, "And I don't remember you at all. I know I never knew you two as kids. You look like……Charles Manson. Wait a minute, is that who you are!"

"What the fuck," Ken whispered to himself in fear. "That's not tr----"

"Oh my god! Can I have your autograph!" the cop shouted. "I was always a big fan of yours. I'll let you and your friend go if you sign me an autograph."

Ken felt a wave of relief rush upon his head. "Uh…..yeah, this is Charles Manson. And sure I'll sign you an autograph."

Excited, the cop took his shirt off and asked Ken to sign his left boob. Ken did it, and then him and Cartman were released. And there they were, on their mission to find the guy who stole their money. Step one was complete. They made it to South Park.

The streets were empty and quiet, as they always were. The snow blew everywhere, and the noise of the wind would never shut the hell up. It was a true winter wonderland. People were walking around with scarves and padded coats, capped with winter hats. Hail sprinkled the ground. Cartman and Ken immediately rushed into the library. They couldn't take the cold any longer. They weren't immune to this weather like they were when they were kids.

The library was also cold, but at least they weren't being showered by snow like outside. Suddenly, a guy walked up to them, smiling.

"Hey," the guy said. "Are you two Cartman and Kenny? I haven't seen you two since elementary school. I thought you guys were dead, as the whole town did." The guy speedily walked away after that. Cartman and Ken looked out the window to seem him get on a motorcycle. It was Ken's motorcycle. The guy put his mask back on.

The library's quietness was broken when Cartman and Ken screamed as they knocked over a bunch of the bookstands and rushed out the doors, in pursuit of the guy. Once the man turned around to realize he was being chased, he fearlessly stopped, took out a match, and lit the motorcycle on fire. He then lit the whole road on fire until the street was covered in blaze, and Cartman and Ken had no escape because they were in a ring of flames.

"You two little assholes," said the guy, "I knew you would be stupid enough to come here. You want your money? Well guess what…I spent it all on all on a certain little gun of my own. And no, it was not a wussy little shotgun. I bought…an AK47." The man took out his gun and aimed it at the both of them. "I lured you into my trap. Now it's time to die."

"I DON'T THINK SO!" shouted Ken as he jumped over the fire and shoved the man, snatching the AK47. Ken immediately shot the gun at the guy's chest but the bullets just bounced off of the guy's body and into a window. The man took his shirt off and revealed a mechanical body.

Cartman and Ken stared at him in fear. "Who…the hell…are you?" Cartman asked.

"You want to know who I am? I was the kid who could never speak for himself. I was the kid who always stayed in silence."

"See Cartman I told you it was Butters. You owe me," snared Ken.

The man continued. "I was the kid who couldn't say anything at all, except for 'Timmy'."

Cartman and Ken looked at each other, and then looked at the guy. "You're…Timmy?" Ken asked.

"They rebuilt my body and my mind with cyborg equipment. They made me indestructible. I already killed Stan and Kyle. Now it's time for you guys to die."

"Dude…that's fucking weird," Cartman said. "All I have to say is…Ken, I don't owe you shit.

"TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!" shouted Timmy.

"You're gonna blow our heads off, anyway, so why should we take orders from you?" asked Cartman.

"AHHHHHHH!" shrieked Timmy as he shot a missile at Cartman. Cartman immediately leaped out of the way.

"You're still a retard in my mind!" shouted Cartman as he darted away as fast as he could. Ken was left with Timmy. Basically all Ken did was hide. When he'd be found, he would charge to another hiding spot. Timmy's missiles that were supposed to hit Ken were destroying more and more of the town. After a long time of Ken struggling to avoid Timmy, Cartman came back from behind, without Timmy knowing.

"I hope you're robotic body is fire proof!" Cartman hollered as he took out a match and lit Timmy on fire.

Ken ran over to a truck and jacked it, and then quickly drove it into Timmy's body. Once Timmy was knocked over, Ken got out of the truck and took out the AK47, and delivered a few blows straight at Timmy's face, where there were no mechanical parts. Cartman and Ken both boarded the truck immediately after that and left Timmy's dead body behind.

"Our money is GONE!" shouted Cartman. "We came here for nothing!"

"We got revenge," answered Ken calmly.

"Where the fuck are we gonna go now?"

"Where do you want to go?"

The truck rode off through the streets, leaving the fiery avenue behind. The snow killed most of the fire, but damn was that street hot. The wind danced off of Timmy's robotic body, and ambulance trucks surrounded it. When the cops showed up, they investigated the area wondering who was responsible for this. Soon, they decided it was all Timmy, and Timmy was even the one who killed himself.

"Seriously," one of the cops said, "who would be quick and slick enough to suddenly leave a scene like this?"

The rest of the cops nodded.


End file.
